Looking back so I can keep going

Sometimes a wave of melancholy hits me like a weird little fog. Who am I, really? What am I even doing in this life? Am I moving forward, or just spinning in circles? Am I doing enough? Enough for what? Or for whom? What am I chasing? Are my dreams the “right” ones?

And when I look at these questions closely, I realize – this isn’t melancholy. It’s just plain ol’ uncertainty wearing a dramatic cape. All of these thoughts are about the future.

But here’s the truth: the past doesn’t feel much safer either. I’ve never been one to dwell on it. Photos? Not really my thing. Maybe because they feel like proof I was ever someone else.

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. – Alice in Wonderland

Still... Somehow, it’s the past that helps me make peace with the uncertainty of the future.

That’s exactly why did I decide once to start filling my personal Insta with photos – moments from travels, little fragments that mattered to me.

I love the world. I love my scattered people. And I want to live for that big, messy, gorgeous world. That’s what those photos are about. They’re not there to show off. Not to impress anyone. And definitely not to put on a perfect-insta-life mask. They’re there just for me – for the moments when the weird foggy melancholy returns.

I scroll through them, one by one. Let myself fall back into those days. I recall how I felt, who I was, what the air smelled like... And it really helps. Just a few glances, and my soul kind of stretches and smiles. Like – look what you’ve lived. Look where you’ve been.

That strange little map you’re drawing – through life and in your head?

Yeah. It makes sense.

So... keep going.

With love, Vi. ❤︎